A little Quiet

This summer went by way too fast.  There was a lot of “could have” and “should haves” and not enough of “that was perfect”.  I didn’t get up into the mountains to hike.  But I went for a lot of walks with friends.  I didn’t get to the beach for a lazy afternoon.  But I had some girls nights and some intimate dinners.  I didn’t walk around as a tourist in my own town.  But I went to a few concerts and met some new people.  There seemed to be a lot of the in-between.  I had time to enjoy some moments, but they seemed fleeting.  And all too quickly it came to an end.  The mornings are crisp and dark and the evenings are coming earlier and earlier.

Every year as the days get shorter and the cold starts to creep back in, I feel a bit of regret.  Regret that I didn’t live bigger.  Regret that I didn’t just say screw it to all responsibilities and play hooky for the day.  Making the most of our days is harder than it seems.  Balancing life at work with parenting is hard.  Being neither here nor there has been challenging.  Trying to find the balance of play and work is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  My Saturdays are the one day a week I get to revert back to the simple days.  I try not to work at all.  I get up fairly early so I can watch trashy tv and drink copious amounts of coffee for a few hours.  I love my Saturday mornings.  I am alone and everything is quiet, my mind, my body and my house.  The quiet isn’t something I’ve always enjoyed, but over time I have learned to really embrace the positives.  Saturdays are my time to find the emptiness between all the chaos.

Life is not going to slow down or let up.  Life is constantly moving and shifting from one place to the next.  Instead of trying to take control of the situation, I am trying to find the calm in between.

I wish I could say that breathing and meditation are my jam.  But sitting still isn’t something I do well with, so being alone is the next best thing.  I used to be really uncomfortable with the quietness of being alone.  I would plan girls nights or take a class.  I would meet up with a friend for a walk or talk on the phone.  Being alone isn’t always easy, and it did take a shift in my mindset.  When my boys were little, they would head to their dads house on Thursday night.  At first I would clean and busy myself with meaningless chores.  But at some point I decided to embrace the quiet.  I decided to give myself permission to just do nothing.  I would have Thursday nights as my date with myself night.  I would eat leftovers while watching a romantic comedy.  I would light candles and drink a glass of wine.  I found simple ways to enjoy my time alone.  I would close the blinds and put on my pajamas, at 6pm.  Some nights I might even get dressed up to have a dance party with myself.  These nights became my favorite night of the week and being alone became something I looked forward to.

I find I have to plan ahead for my time alone.  I have to schedule in my time and embrace it.  Even though I love it, it still doesn’t come naturally to me.  I would prefer constant conversations.  I love when my weeks are filled with puppy play dates and girls nights.  But I need the time alone to recharge and reconnect with myself.  I need the excuse to put on my sweatpants and do absolutely nothing.  I am all to quick to busy myself.  Even though I wish I had taken more advantage of my summer, I have to remember that I had some great time alone and I had a lot one on one time with people I care about.  I have to remind myself that sometimes being in the moment and enjoying the quiet is better than the chaos of grand events.  Sometimes….