What Comes Next
I took the past six months off from my blog and pretty much any other writing that wasn’t to-do lists or thank you notes. Life has been overflowing and the lead up to my minis graduation created an explosion of emotions I was expecting or prepared for. But honestly, I needed to be present with my life and the people in it. I needed to connect with people, I needed puppy play dates and wine dates. I needed walks and hugs. I needed my community, face to face. I have been feeling lost but needing to be present. I can keep giving excuses, but life is always busy. Finding time to be alone with myself has been a challenge. Instead of trying to creatively give myself excuses why I couldn’t write, I just allowed myself to not write. Luckily I found my way back to the computer.
My oldest graduated high school last month. He went through all the big milestones that led him to walking across the stage, smile and all, to accept his diploma. This was not an easy few months getting everything ready. This wasn’t an easy 18 years preparing him for this moment. As the months turned to weeks and weeks to days, I was filled with emotions I never knew existed. The years did not fly by, but all those memories we created are tightly wound deep in my heart. I am not letting go, but it is time to sit back and let him make his own path. It was a moment in time where my identity as mom shifted.
After all the chaos of June settled, I took the boys to California for some much needed time away and time together. A weekend to reconnect and create new memories. My minis are growing up and becoming men. As I walked along the ocean, my heart was bursting with love. I honestly love spending time with the two of them. We ate some amazing food and wandered around the coast and colleges. Our dinners were filled with long conversations and no phones. We talked about everything from memories to friendships. We talked about our futures and our pasts. We laughed a lot and I cried a little. They are at an age where I can be completely honest with them. Honest about the choices I have made. Honest about the mistakes I had to learn. Honest about the experiences I have had. With these conversations, I wasn’t hoping they learn from my experiences. My hope is that they see my stories as an invitation to lean into themselves. I want them to have their own failures and grow from them. I want them to find their own successes and be proud of themselves. I want them to jump into the world fearless and humble. Kind of like how they would jump into a mud puddle. I want them to learn to trust themselves and the decisions they make.
My count down to an empty nest is nearing. I have two more years before I won’t have to do grade checks or chore days. No more empty milk cartons and overflowing laundry. But with that will also be no more late night talks and nightly dinners. No more car rides to school and daily check ins. Even though the next phase is yet to be determined. It is time to start finding me. My life has been focused on these two humans. My life has had them at the fore front of every decision. When they are out of the house, who will I be. I will always be their mother and I will probably push myself into their lives in every way possible. But the day to day is going to start dissolving. When I look ahead, I see a life that is completely undefined. The past 18 years have been about raising my two boys. And that day to day parenting is coming to an end.
I really don’t want to fill my void with nothingness and unwanted obligations and stress. I can’t go back and the future that lies ahead is still awaiting my next step. I am not ready but I am also so ready to see who I am, who I become.
I am not in the dark on this whole parenting thing. I know that my job as a mother will never be over. I hope that they will always answer my calls and always come to visit. I hope that we will find a relationship that isn’t about the day to day chores and stresses. But I will always be here anytime they fail or fall down. There are times I might need to have them home again. I hope that I gave them the tools to head out into the world and find themselves. I hope that they enter the world ready for all the successes and failures it will bring.