The Next Transition
The end of the year has come and the New Year is just beginning. This is our time to reflect on the past and look ahead to our future. This is the time to set some resolutions for what we hope for. This is the time to recover from the over indulgences of the holidays and set some goals for the year ahead. I look back at the year past and I am so thankful for every person who is in my life. I have the best boys a mom could ever ask for. I have family that I look forward to spending time with. I have friends that are there for every celebration I get to experience. And they are still there to pick me up every time I fall down. My look back into 2022 is filled almost exclusively with happiness and smiles. The year was filled with growth and experiences. It was filled with adventures and transitions. Between all the good was still a fair amount of tantrums and frustrations.
This year is going to bring about some really big transitions and mile markers. I am so scared and so apprehensive for the changes that need to take place. First of all, my first baby, my mini is graduating from high school this spring. He has taught me so much about love and loyalty. He has taught lessons about patience and acceptance. We have been there for the best of times and we have been there for the worst of times. I am so lucky to be his mother and watch him become the person he is. And it is time for me to let him go and watch him evolve past me, past his home town. It is time for him to find his own way in the world. It is time to let him spread his wings and fly. As a parent, I sit at the edge of my seat hoping I gave time the right tools and the right resources and the right everything to fail as little as he has to.
My heart isn’t ready but the time is fast approaching. He will always be my mini me. I can offer him endless phone calls and always a place to call home. I can offer him unlimited and unconditional love. I can cherish every moment and every memory I have with him. But he needs to head out and find his way. Watching him on the edge of his free fall into life is such a joyful moment and also a heart ache I never knew even existed.
I am not rushing my resolutions this year. I didn’t start January 1st with a list of goals and intentions. I didn’t have a plan for the next few weeks or the next few months. I took the first steps into the new year breathing in everything that lies in front of me. I spent time appreciating what I have and maybe a few panicked phone calls to my own mom to put my life back into perspective. I have spent time watching my boys do what they love. Two boys that are totally different and completely amazing in their own ways. Their individualities complement each other and flow smoothly. And I am trying to appreciate these moments and enjoy them while they are easy to savor. Graduation will shift all our worlds.
Even though I wanted to start the new year with goals and intentions for the up coming year. I am struck with the reality that before any of that happens, I need to enjoy what I have in front of me. The understanding that life is ever changing is not something I can easily accept. I enjoy consistency and predictably. I enjoy getting home from my 5:45am walk with the pup to have my little man walk out sleepy eyed and ready for his day. I love our dinners and our shit talking. I love the laughs that encompass the house on a daily basis. I love my minis more than I ever knew my heart could love. And knowing that it is time to let my first baby enter the next phase of his life is going to be hard.
My lists will be made. My goals will slowly make their way onto paper and hopefully they will slowly become habits. I can guarantee that this year will be filled with many laughs. I will stay up late with my girlfriends drinking champagne and laughing. I will have many dinners with my minis that are filled with great conversations and many stories of laughter. I will spend time with my other laughing over nothing and over something. This year is going to bring some big moments and I want to be present for each one of them. I want to feel all the emotions that lay ahead. I will cry the entire month of graduation. And my heart won’t be ready for that. But I want to embrace and enjoy the moments as they are handed to me. I want to spend time with the people I love. I want each of them to know that my life is better because I am lucky enough to have them in my life. Transitions are hard. But we can’t stay still. We can’t live in the past and we sure as hell can’t dictate our futures. We have to live our lives and hope we end up somewhere we can call home.